Couples Therapy: Spotting the Four Horsemen Before They Take Over Your Marriage
Written by: Anna Lacy, Associate Psychotherapist at Be You Psychotherapy
If you’re finding yourself stuck in circular, destructive interactions with your partner, consider using this tool from Gottman Method Couples Therapy. This theory is based on extensive research on couples which found that there are four reliable predictors of divorce: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. It’s not to say that having any of these in your relationship means you're destined for failure, but rather that you can greatly benefit from attempting to inoculate these “four horsemen of the apocalypse" before they poison your relationship to the point of no return. According to Gottman, one way you can do this is by addressing each horseman with its antidote. Here is what it looks like:
Horseman #1: Criticism
Criticizing your partner entails framing your complaint about them as a defect in their character. For example, “You never help out around the house, you are just so lazy and make me do everything.” This complaint about a lack of shared labor sounds like an attack on your partner, and often leads to defensiveness or stonewalling from them as a response (which are also predictors of relationship rupture). Even if there is some truth to what you are saying, the way in which it’s delivered makes it nearly impossible for your partner to hear.
Antidote: The Gentle Start-up
This means instead of going after your partner for what you see as their flaws, you talk in “I” statements to express your feelings and your needs. For example, “I feel very overwhelmed with the housework and I need your help with _____ tasks.” You want to keep it straightforward with the facts about the situation and always make your need positive, such as something you want them to do e.g. “help with the vacuuming," not a negative need like “don’t lie around when I’m cleaning.”
Horseman #2: Defensiveness
This looks like shutting down what your partner is upset about with righteous indignation or playing the victim in an attempt to protect yourself. Statements like “I don’t do that, you do!” or “I can never do anything right!” are examples of defensiveness and they only escalate conflicts.
Antidote: Accept some responsibility
No matter how wrong you think your partner is, chances are you have done something to contribute to a dynamic that keeps repeating itself. Even if you’re having trouble identifying your role in the problem, simply saying something to shoulder some of the responsibility will go a long way. For example, “Okay, I see how I play a part in this too, I will think about that.”
Horseman #3: Contempt
These are negative statements about your partner that often come with some form of disgust (e.g. eye rolling) and from a place of superiority. This is the strongest predictor of divorce and should be eliminated as quickly as possible. An example of contempt is, “You’re a jerk.”
Antidote: Building respect and appreciation, and describing your own feelings and needs
Instead of namecalling, try a statement about how you experienced what they did, and what you need for them to do differently in the future. For example, “I felt really hurt when you made that joke at my expense to our friends. I need to feel like you always have my back, even when you’re kidding around.”
Horseman #4: Stonewalling
This is when one partner either emotionally or physically withdraws from an interaction. For example, one partner may leave when the other is trying to talk to them about something difficult, or they may physically stay but give zero nonverbal cues that they are listening (e.g. refusing eye contact).
Antidote: The stonewalling partner needs to self-soothe so they can stay emotionally present
While it may feel like an insult or disrespect to the partner being stonewalled, oftentimes the partner doing the stonewalling is emotionally flooded and they don’t have other tools to handle the overwhelm. If instead of withdrawing, they can learn to communicate their feelings and express their need for a break to breathe etc. before resuming the conversation, the trajectory of the couples interactions can massively improve.
Learning to identify these four horsemen in your relationship and working to eliminate them with antidotes can be invaluable to improving the quality of you and your partner’s connection. A couples counselor can be a helpful resource in spotting these horsemen in your relationship, finding healthier ways to navigate conflict, and of course helping you work on other areas of your partnership as well.
If you’d like to work on strengthening your relationship, consider joining Anna Lacy and Avery Bowser in a special holistic couples event with Our Studio on Sunday, November 9th.
Anna is accepting new clients for in-person couples therapy and would be happy to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation with you and your partner.
