How to Say No (Without Losing Yourself or Your Relationships)
If the idea of saying “no” makes your stomach twist or your heart race, you’re not alone. Whether it’s a friend asking for a favor, a boss piling on more work, or a social invite you just don’t have the energy for, the pressure to say yes can feel overwhelming.
But what if learning to say no is actually a gift - to both yourself and others?
In a recent episode of his podcast ReThinking, organizational psychologist Adam Grant and Vanessa Bohns, an organizational psychologist and professor at Cornell University, break down why saying no is so hard - and how we can get better at it.
Why We Struggle to Say No
Many of us confuse saying yes with being kind, generous, or helpful. According to Grant, we think saying yes makes us “likeable” in social settings, and more “promotable” at work. More often, however, relentless yes-ing leads to resentment, burnout, and one-sided relationships. It can create a dynamic where you feel used or invisible - at work, at home, and in your friendships.
Bohns emphasizes that women, in particular, are often socialized to be “communal and cooperative,” making it especially challenging to say no without feeling guilty or risking backlash. Understanding these cultural pressures is the first step toward reclaiming your boundaries. Saying no isn’t about being selfish - it’s about honoring your needs and building healthier relationships.
Four Strategies for Saying No More Effectively
1. Explain Your Personal Policies
One of Grant’s go-to methods for saying no is to invoke your personal policy. This takes the sting out of rejection by making it clear that it’s not personal - it’s just a boundary you’ve already set for yourself.
For example:
“I don’t answer emails after 6pm.”
“Going out to dinner isn’t in my budget right now.”
“I’ve made a rule to keep weeknights free for family time.”
These kinds of statements are less likely to invite pushback, because they don’t focus on rejecting the person - they simply express a guideline you follow consistently. And according to Bohns’ research, providing a reason increases the odds that someone will respect your no.
2. Convey Care
A common fear about saying no is that it will come across as cold, inconsiderate, or even aggressive. But a boundary doesn’t have to feel like a wall.
Saying no with warmth and appreciation can preserve the relationship and still protect your energy. For example:
“I really appreciate you thinking of me. I wish I could say yes, but I’ve got a full plate right now.”
“I’d love to help with that, but I’ve recently taken on two big projects and need to focus my time.”
3. Offer a Referral (If You Can)
Sometimes, the most compassionate way to say no is to offer a different kind of help. If you can’t assist someone directly, is there someone else who might?
Try:
“I’m not available to help with that, but I think [Name] might be a great person to reach out to.”
“If I were in your shoes, here’s how I might approach this.”
This strategy lets you honor your limits while still being supportive - and it shows that you care, even if you can’t be the one to step in.
4. Take Time to Respond
Bohns’ research shows that we’re 34% more likely to say yes to requests that are made face-to-face. Due to social pressure, we tend to prioritize the comfort of the other person over our own clarity.
If you’re caught off guard, give yourself space to respond. You can simply say:
“Let me check my schedule and get back to you.”
“Can I think about it and follow up by email?”
This gives you time to reflect, check in with your needs, and respond with intention.
Boundaries Teach Others, Too
“Setting a boundary isn't just a chance for you to protect your time and relationships,” Grant says, “it's a chance for other people to learn what's a reasonable ask.”
In other words, saying no isn’t just about you - it’s also about modeling healthier expectations in your relationships, workplace, and community. The more we each practice saying no, the more we give others permission to do the same.
Need support learning how to say no and set boundaries with confidence?
At Be You Psychotherapy, Avery Bowser helps clients explore the patterns that make it hard to say no, strengthen their ability to discern when a yes is genuine, and support communication that honors both their needs and their relationships. Learn more about working with Avery here.
