Back-to-School Anxiety: A NYC Therapist’s Guide for Parents

Sep 14

The beginning of September can bring with it bittersweet feelings as we transition from long summer days into a return to school and oftentimes a ramp up at work. The back-to-school transition can bring up anxiety, stress, excitement, and complicated emotions for both children and parents. One of the hardest parts to navigate can be for parents and kids saying goodbye to more time together, and to flexible schedules. For some parents, this is a welcome change, as it can be hard to juggle work, signing kids up for endless camps to fill the days, while also trying to give them summer experiences that feel special for their vacation. It’s common to feel torn between life obligations and wanting to create memories that both of you can hold onto.

If you’re feeling relieved or happy that kids are back to school, feelings of guilt for having those feelings may also be coming up for you. It’s understandable that so many parents experience this duality. We are inundated with messages that you only have X amount of summers left with them, and that one day they will stop reaching for your hand. While that can be a useful reminder to enjoy the moments and worry less about your to-do list, it often doesn’t acknowledge the reality that parenting can be very hard, and to feel that is not a negative commentary on you as a person or parent.

Consider this blog your reminder that all of your feelings are valid during this tough transition time. It can be an interesting practice to try to just notice any uncomfortable feelings as they come up, and get curious about what they are telling you, instead of judging yourself for having them. For parents experiencing back-to-school stress or parenting anxiety, making space for these mixed emotions can be an important part of navigating the transition.

Meanwhile, your kids are undoubtedly having their own set of big and complex feelings. Here are some ideas for supporting children through change and helping them manage back-to-school emotions.

Less is more.

When you first see your child after their school day, give them a big smile and express how happy you are to see them. From there, follow their lead. If they’re in a good mood, a question about how they’re doing can be a welcomed one, or something more creative and specific can be even better, like who did you have the most fun talking to today?

However, peppering them with questions can lead to shutting down after what was likely an overwhelming day filled with nerves and a desire to meet lots of new expectations from teachers. If they are looking distressed in any way, offering food, physical comfort and a sense of routine and calm can be far more regulating than any words. For children experiencing school anxiety or feeling overwhelmed by the transition back to school, this sense of safety and routine can support emotional regulation.

Ask yourself why you’re asking them questions. Is it to make yourself feel better or them? If it’s for the former, hold off and work on regulating your own emotions. Once your child feels safe and calm, you will likely hear tid bits from the day over the course of your evening without much prompting.

As they start to share, meeting them with validation of their feelings and curiosity generally goes further than trying to teach them a lesson, or fix anything that happened (as long as it doesn’t sound like an urgent problem you need to address with the school).

Express your feelings about separation.

We often don’t hide our feelings about parenting as well as think we do. Kids are smart and pick up on the feelings you’re having and sometimes they internalize our emotional state as being due to something they did or are. They have probably seen you experience some relief that they’re returning to school, or your distress over them leaving. They don’t yet have the ability to recognize that is an us problem, not a them problem, so make how you feel really explicit. During the back-to-school transition, separation anxiety can show up for both children and parents in different ways.

They may interpret your happiness about them going back as meaning you didn’t enjoy your summer with them as much as they did with you. Express how much you have enjoyed spending time with them AND also express your positive feelings about them learning more and continuing to grow, as you can also continue your work. Tell them why having more time to work is important to you and your family.

Model for your child that you can have multiple feelings at the same time, and you can handle them. Let them know you can handle your own feelings and that it’s not their responsibility.

Asking them to share something they have mixed feelings about as well can be very helpful. If returning to school feels too heavy, start with a smaller topic for your child to begin with like their mixed feelings about a season, for example. Welcome what they share and repeat back their points of view, to show them that you’re really listening.

Praise what they do, not just their traits.

This is a complicated one because if you are a parent reading this now, and you were raised by supportive parents concerned about your self esteem, they likely told you you were smart, beautiful, strong etc. What’s wrong with that you may ask?

Well, it’s been found in numerous studies that praising a child’s characteristics over efforts inadvertently puts pressure on them to keep it up, makes them less likely to take risks, and more likely to give up when they meet evidence that seems to refute the label. When kids are told they are smart, some research has shown they are more likely to quit hard tasks they didn’t understand than kids who believed they were hard workers.

Researchers concluded that kids labeled as smart gave up more easily because they believed in a fixed ability, so when met with something they couldn’t intrinsically and quickly comprehend, they simply stopped trying. Kids praised for hard work were more likely to believe they simply needed to put in more effort, rather than internalizing the problem as being about their intelligence.

“Smart” kids were also less likely to try harder things for fear that it might disprove the idea that they’re intelligent. Similarly, the argument against calling your child beautiful is that you may be setting them up to seek validation from others, and what happens when no one says it to them? Will they still believe it? Also, will their self worth become wrapped up in their appearance instead of who they actually are?

These are strong arguments against praising traits, and instead praising things your kids do. The idea being they won’t be so anxious about maintaining what has been labeled as their best traits, but instead possess a growth mindset and a sense of empowerment that they can figure themselves out, along with a confidence that they can handle the journey.

All of that being said, you probably also remember feeling great when you got a compliment that you were smart or funny. It can give a confidence boost to hear someone you love recognize wonderful, desirable traits in you that will be with you through life.

Personally, I think there is an argument for diversifying the positive compliments you give your children. Science is never fully proven, and like most things, it probably doesn’t hurt to hedge your parenting bets. So if you want to call your child smart, try adding that they’re also a really hard worker and curious. Express that your pride in them isn’t conditional - you continue to love them and think highly of them even if they fail.

Maybe throw in that you think failing is so important because it gives us great data, and makes the wins that much sweeter. Praise their perseverance if they kept going when something was hard, and it still didn’t work out the way they wanted.

The point being, if you make the blanket statement compliments about their traits, also recognize and celebrate the effort and choices they made as well. So in this back to school season, your child will probably enjoy hearing you call them brave as they head out the door, but also let them know that they’re still a hero if they come home crying and tell you they felt really scared that day.

If your family is struggling with back-to-school anxiety, school transitions, separation anxiety, or other parenting challenges, therapy can offer additional support for navigating these changes.